On Prayer Book Anxiety

Flourish Klink

We arrive at seminary young and old, rich and poor, of all nations and races and genders; we arrive from far and near, from churches high and low and broad, from every denomination and professing every theological position. We come with various intentions: some seeking ordination, some not seeking ordination, some seeking academic learning, some seeking to improve their life-coaching businesses, some seeking to improve their relationships with their mothers-in-law, some seeking a refuge from the outside world, some seeking a cannon to shoot themselves at the world’s problems.

For all this diversity, we who arrive at General are confronted with one ordeal: we all must run the gauntlet of our first Solemn Mass in the Chapel of the Good Shepherd.

If we are Episcopalian — and most of us are at GTS — we are lulled into complacency by attending Morning and Evening Prayer. These are not so bad! They come (when we use the GTS rite) in a booklet, not unlike our domestic bulletins. While we must learn to say the Psalms antiphonally, we need not concern ourselves with our musical talents or lack thereof. We let ourselves be convinced that we know how to do church.

But then we are faced with the row of hymnals, the prayer books, the laminated cards we must navigate to complete a Solemn Mass. We try to remember how a hymn board is organized, if indeed we ever knew. We have a maximum of three minutes in which to search the tablets of our memory before we are saying to ourselves:

We are chanting, no, not that chant, the chant on the laminated card, no, not that laminated card, the other one, oh, now it’s time for the first bit of service music, no, not “We Three Kings of Orient Are,” that’s impossible, ah, it has an “S” in front of it—(*insert frantic page-flipping here.)

All this to say, I do not believe that any new student has ever found their first Solemn Mass in the Chapel of the Good Shepherd to be a highly spiritual experience. 

After being raised atheist and converting to Christianity, I chose the Episcopal Church above all other denominations largely because I love the liturgical calendar so much. Knowing that I was at a disadvantage compared to cradle Episcopalians, I studied the Book of Common Prayer carefully — but I never touched a physical copy until the day Bishop Shin gave me one at my confirmation. Why would I? My home parish uses bulletins, and the BCP is available in digital form. Even after I began leading Morning Prayer six days a week, my habit was to read from one of the many useful online editions. When I first came to chapel, I was obviously in better shape than students from other denominations, than those who had never led a prayer service, or those who speak English as a second language. But I was still not used to finding my place page-by-page between multiple paper books, to the point of getting lost multiple times throughout the service

To be clear, being unused to something is not bad. The first time we do anything, we are naturally unskilled. And it is certainly necessary for GTS students to be capable of juggling as many prayer books and hymnals as required. The future leaders of the church must not be daunted by even the most ornamented hymns. If we engage in any ecumenical worship (indeed, if we ever venture outside the cozy embrace of our home parishes) we will find ourselves in circumstances where we have no idea what is going on, liturgically speaking, and where we are required to fly on a wing and a prayer. Far be it from me to suggest that chapel be watered down, so that we would not be prepared for all eventualities!

But for the sake of us poor juniors, I beg mercy. Give us something to cling to in the first weeks of chapel. Tell us that we are in for a challenge. Assume that we know nothing, so that none of us need feel stupid and small—after all, nobody came out of the womb understanding how to read Anglican chant notation.* Teach us how to understand a hymn board and give us an introduction to the use of the Book of Common Prayer. Encourage us to bring bookmarks to chapel and, when we seem lost, lean over and show us the page we seek. When we are desperately combing through the wrong hymnal, whisper in our ear, “You need Lift Every Voice and Sing!” “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

I will look back on my first fumbling Solemn Mass at GTS with humor, not embarrassment, and I hope that everyone in my class is able to say the same. I feel immense gratitude for the people who helped me (and who commiserated with me). After only a week, I can already tell that I am becoming more comfortable with the practices at Solemn Mass. But I also hope that next year’s juniors receive a little more scaffolding, a little more initial instruction, and this valuable truth: everybody suffers prayer book anxiety their first semester at General, and nobody will judge you for it.

*Dr. Wachner did make a kind and valiant attempt to instruct us in Anglican chant during Orientation, which (I believe I can speak for the entire incoming class) was much appreciated. Unfortunately, amidst all the other things we were trying to keep track of, it sailed right over our heads.

Flourish is pursuing in a Masters of Divinity at General.